Commentary: Streaking
Have you ever wondered what it felt like to run down the streets in your boxers? The students in America are probably able to answer this question. Why? The student traditions in America colleges and universities involve streaking. It is regarded as an annual event for them to do so. Students who do this are most probably trying to relieve stress or just for the fun of it. This essay shall discuss if streaking should be banned.
Everyone has their own rights and thinking, even so the way they express themselves. The students who streak are probably trying to express themselves through fresh methods although it is already a "tradition". Therefore i feel that streaking should not be banned altogether.
Some students of Xavier College streaked and ran around the campus of Melbourne school causing much ruckus. There was also an injury by one of the participants. Police received complaints from the public regarding the streaking students. It happened during "muck up day" whereby graduating students take part in pranks and activities at the end of the school year. The end result is the canceling of classes that afternoon (Monday), Tuesday and Wednesday. This is a very serious disruption in lessons as classes were canceled due to mischief. This is why streaking should not be allowed due to consequences.
UCLA had about 5000 people streaking on the streets, participating in an event known as the Undie Run, but the latter has since reduced in participants; only about 4000 people turned up for the Undie Run. It is monitored by administrators and the police to prevent damage to properties and injury. The situation is such that there is anticipation of potential damage, which is very serious as people are already expecting injuries or accidents. There might be people monitoring the situation but there are always unforeseen circumstances. That is why streaking should be banned to prevent casualties to people.
Overall, streaking is an activity that does not much harm with proper monitoring and can be allowed as long as the people who does that do not go overboard. However, we can never control other people fully, therefore streaking should be banned until people are able to fully follow instructions without doubts.
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1) The commentary needs to be longer, about 300-500 words in length.
ReplyDelete2) It's great to see your draft process, but I'll need you to hide the draft (either edit it and then 'save now', or delete it) by the time we get to class this Monday.
3) The blueprint should tell the reader what arguments you wish to raise later in the commentary. Currently it doesn't seem to map.
4) You might also want to rethink whether what you have stated is the topic sentence or specific support.
E:3/5 There was not enough explanation as to why the streaking happened and not enough basis and specific evidence to your stand.
ReplyDeleteC:3.5/5 I don't detect flow in your points and there was too little explanation to actually clarify your stand on the matter
V:3.5/5 I could see a tone that's supporting your stand and also appropriate to the subject, however there was not enough of "you" to be seen in the essay itself.
O:4/5 There was clearly some order in the points, however as previously explained, there was missing links from one point to another.
L:7/10 Language was consistent and there were little spelling/grammar mistakes but the language were too simple and broad, i.e unspecific to the subject.
Overall:21/30
Good essay to read, but there was no fluency and there wasn't enough specific evidence to back up your stand